We're worried about our vows - do you have any tips?

The exchange of vows is undoubtedly the most important part of the ceremony and often the most meaningful and moving. It's important to think carefully about the promises you want to make to each other, so that the words are sincere and heartfelt. However, this is the bit that couples often worry about - What will I say to my partner? Will I be too nervous to say the words? Will I get a fit of the giggles? Will I get all emotional? Will I get through them?

Please don't worry - we're here to help and the following tips might be useful:

• If you've no idea at this stage what you might want to say to each other, that's no problem. When I meet couples, I always talk through this aspect of the ceremony with them, in order to allay any fears. I have examples for you too and you can take these away to help you to put your own together - they will give you some idea of what you might say and how you might phrase your words. Most couples use the examples as a way to inspire them to write their own, but you could simply pick one off the list if you particularly liked one of them. You don't have to say the same words to each other (though many couples do) and you might even want to keep your vows a secret for one another until the day. Whatever you decide, discuss any concerns you might have with your Celebrant, who will be able to help and advise you.
  
• Please don't worry about getting the giggles! Humanist ceremonies often have a relaxed and informal feel to them (though they can obviously be formal and traditional if that is what you want) so it's not like getting getting caught giggling in assembly at school (so you did that too then?!). Nor is the Celebrant going to be disapproving in any way - in fact, it's much more likely that they will laugh along with you! You should enjoy your wedding ceremony and feel comfortable with whatever emotions you're feeling at the time.

(This is Deborah and Zach during their lovely informal wedding in 2006)

• Don't worry about getting emotional either. I'm always on hand with tissues to pass to you if you need them - or just an encouraging little word to help you to carry on. I can even take over altogether if you really dry up - but you won't, so relax!
• Nerves can sometimes get to you, but again, I'll be there to reassure you and I'll whisper things like 'take a deep breath' to you!
• There are different ways to express your vows to each other:

1. You can phrase your vows as a question (you decide what the question is obviously) that I, as your Marriage Celebrant, ask. You then simply respond, 'I do' or if it's a joint question, 'we will'. This is a good option if you're feeling nervous and would prefer not to say too much during the ceremony.
2. You can make a short statement to each other. I usually advise that you read from a card rather than putting yourself under pressure by trying to memorise the words. I'll pass you the card at the appropriate time and that in itself will give you confidence.

(Pictured here are Lynne and Adam, now Mr and Mrs Higgins at their wedding at Monachyle Mhor. Aren't Lynne's flowers lovely? This is a wedding flower bracelet or wrist corsage by Floristic Design)

• One thing that I find helps a lot is to hold hands and to look at each other when you exchange your vows (rather than looking at me). As I often remind couples, you're marrying each other and not me! And it doesn't matter if you speak quietly either - the vows are between you as bride and groom...

(This is Elaine and Calum at their wedding this summer in the stunning grounds of Strathblane Country House Hotel)

• Make your vows short and sweet too. You can almost certainly say what you want to say in a few sentences and there's less chance of breaking down.
• In addition to your personal vows, you are also required to make a legal declaration to each other (see my posting about the legal procedures) and I usually do this in a 'repeat after me' format. Many couples find this format very reassuring because you can't really go wrong - there's no pressure on you to remember anything.
  

Whatever worries and concerns you have about your vows, discuss them with your Celebrant and you'll find that they will give you all sorts of advice and help!

What do we need to do about the legal procedures?

The first thing to stress is that the legal procedures are very straightforward! However, the following points should help you through the process:

What does the paperwork consist of?

Marriage Notices

In order to be legally married, you need to obtain 2 Marriage Notice (M10) forms. You fill one in each – basically to inform the Registrar that you want to marry each other! It is always advisable to phone the Registrar before submitting your Marriage Notices, to make sure that you have all the necessary supporting documentation and to check their fees. This is what the Marriage Notice form looks like:

The Marriage Schedule

The Marriage Schedule is the document that you, your Celebrant and two witnesses sign on the day and this is what it looks like (though yours won’t have specimen written all over it obviously!):

The Marriage Certificate

You will be sent a Marriage Certificate when the Marriage Schedule has been submitted to the Registrar after the wedding. This is the document you get to keep, your proof that you are legally married!

What if we aren’t UK citizens?

It is important to check the carefully with the Registrar what additional documentation is needed for you to marry in Scotland. You will need evidence of your nationality and if you are not an EEA citizen, other documentation will also be required. The website for the Registrar General for Scotland gives useful information and guidelines on this.

It would also be advisable to phone the local Registrar for advice too and you should do this as soon as you possibly can, so that there is no danger of the paperwork not being through on time!

When do we have to submit our paperwork?

You can’t submit the paperwork until 3 months before the wedding, but you can get the forms all ready to send off. You can collect a marriage pack from any Registrar or go onto the Registrar General for Scotland website to download everything .

The guidelines suggest that you submit your Marriage Notices to the Registrar 4-6weeks before the wedding, but it can be done 12 weeks before the wedding and personally I always advise couples to do it as early as possible. It’s an important job that you can then tick off your ‘To Do’ list!

The Marriage Schedule (the document you sign on your wedding day) is usually available to collect from the Registrar about a week before the wedding and you will need to collect it in person (either you or your partner, not necessarily both of you). All you have to do then is to remember to bring it along on the big day! Your Celebrant will probably remind you, but bear in mind that they will not be able to legally marry you without the Marriage Schedule! In fact, they wouldn’t even be able to pretend to do so and catch up with the paperwork later – solemnising a marriage without the necessary documentation is actually a criminal offence believe it or not! So don’t give us a heart attack on that one folks! Remember to collect the Marriage Schedule from the Registrar and to bring it along on the day!

The signed Marriage Schedule then has to be returned to the same Registrar within 3 days of the marriage taking place (3 days, not 3 working days!) and anyone can do this for you, so you can breath a sigh of relief if you’re going on honeymoon immediately after the wedding! Well, you can if you’ve entrusted this important job to a responsible person anyway! Once the Registrar has your signed Marriage Schedule, they can then register your marriage and issue your Marriage Certificate.

Which Registrar do we submit our Marriage Notices to?

It is important to submit the paperwork to the right Registrar and one quick phone call to them in advance will put you right. Basically, it has to be a Registrar within the Registration District where the wedding is to take place – i.e. not the one local to your home, but the one local to the wedding venue. Registration Districts cover large areas and there will be several Register Offices in each – you can submit your paperwork to any one of these, as long as it is the right Registration District for the venue. So for example, if you were getting married at the Roman Camp Hotel in Callander, it would make sense to submit your Marriage Notices to the Callander Registrar, but you could submit them to any other Register Office in the Stirling district, including Aberfoyle or Dunblane for example.

Registration district are now aligned with Local Authority areas and the main Register Offices for venues in the central belt are as follows:

• Stirling – Municipal Buildings, 8-10 Corn Exchange Road, Stirling, FK8 2HU. Tel. 01786 432343. Website: Stirling Registrar
• Alloa – Marshill House, Alloa, FK10 1AB. Tel. 01259 723850. Website: Alloa Registrar
• Falkirk – Old Burgh Buildings, Newmarket Street, Falkirk, FK1 1JE. Tel 01324 506580. Website:Falkirk Registrar
• Perth and Kinross – 5 High Street, Perth, PH1 5JS. Tel. 01738 475121. Website: Perth and Kinross Registrar

Where can we get married?

If you choose a Humanist ceremony, don’t forget that the venue doesn’t have to have a civil licence, as it does if a Registrar was to conduct a ceremony there. This means that you can have a legal Humanist marriage ANYWHERE IN SCOTLAND without the need for the venue to be licensed in any way. The only proviso is that the location is “safe and dignified”!

It is important to stress that the marriage MUST take place on the date and in the place detailed on the Marriage Schedule. So for example, if you plan to marry outside and have a contingency plan to move to another location indoors if the weather is bad, you will need to double check the arrangements with the Registrar before the day!

What happens on the day?

On the day of the wedding, it is vital to remember to bring along the Marriage Schedule and to hand it to your Marriage Celebrant before the ceremony. You need 2 witnesses to sign it and they can be anyone, known or unknown to you, related or unrelated, as long as they are 16 years of age or over. The Registrar will ask you for the details of the witnesses before the day of the wedding.

(This is Kevin and Mandy and their witnesses at their 2006 wedding on Inchmahome Island on the Lake of Menteith)

As part of the Humanist ceremony and in addition to whatever personal vows or promises you wish to make, you will each be asked to make a declaration to the other. This is a legal necessity and the statement can take various forms, but is usually along the lines of repeating the following words after the Celebrant:

“I Mary Jane Jones / solemnly and sincerely declare / that I accept you Peter John Smith / as my lawfully wedded husband”

Once you have both made such a declaration, the Celebrant is required to pronounce you husband and wife, which I can safely say is the best job ever! It’s a pleasure and a privilege!

Immediately after these declarations, the Marriage Schedule is then signed.

Please note the following:

• Signing: the bride signs in her maiden name or the name she was known by before the wedding (a previous married name for example). In other words girls, you don’t sign in your new married name (if you’re changing it of course)! The Schedule is also signed by the Celebrant and by the two witnesses.
• The pen: A special pen is required for the signing, but your Celebrant will supply it. It has to be a permanent black ink pen and if the Registrar mentions it, you can reassure them that your Celebrant has such a pen!

• The signatures: There may also be a signature form with the Schedule – so that the Registrar can decipher your signatures (do you sign as Mary Jane Jones, M. Jones or M.J. Jones for example?) Your Celebrant should fill this form in for you.
• Returning the Schedule: Once the Marriage Schedule has been signed, it is essential that it is returned to the same Registrar who issued it, within 3 days of the wedding. If you are unable to return it yourself, you will need to ask someone trustworthy and responsible to do it for you. The Celebrant will ask who that person is and ensure that the Schedule is in their safekeeping after the ceremony. Once the Registrar has the signed Marriage Schedule, they will then prepare and send you a copy of the Marriage Certificate - and now that you're legally married, you can celebrate and live happily ever after!

(This is Mike and Alison Swan after their 2006 wedding at Doune Castle
which is owned by Historic Scotland)

What if we have any questions?

If you have any queries about the legal stuff, your Celebrant might be able to help, but the first point of call should ideally be your local Registrar. Advice of a more general nature can also be found on the website for the Registrar General for Scotland

What is distinctive about a humanist wedding?

Well, the first thing to say is that they are very personal! There is nothing set or standard or business-like about a humanist ceremony. Basically, I tailor-make each ceremony for each couple and that makes your day very special and my job an absolute joy!

Couples sometimes ask me, "Do we have to write our own ceremony?" And the answer is simple:

Yes, if you want to!
No, if you don't want to!

In my experience, I have found that many couples haven't got a clue where to begin and the way I usually work is to meet with you for a chat about what's important to you. I'll help you to decide on readings, music, symbolic gestures (such as candle lighting, hand fasting and so on) your vows and lots of the practical things you need to think about (where to stand, how to enter, how to set the room out etc..) It's also good to get to know a bit about you too and this all helps me to design a ceremony that is sincere, meaningful and completely unique to you. After our first meeting, I will draft the ceremony for you and email it to you so that you can make any changes to it - and I always stress that it's very much a first draft, that you can make ANY amendments, additions and deletions you want to! The most important thing is that it is YOUR big day!

Another thing that people often remark on after a humanist ceremony is how relaxed and comfortable it felt. There is so much scope for fun and laughter in our ceremonies! Yes, they can be very formal and traditional, but if you want a bit of laughter and informality, that's no problem!


This photo of Lisa Ann and Jonas at the Dunkeld House Hotel was taken by the excellent Perthshire based wedding photographer, Neil Fordyce

Humanist weddings are also inclusive and because they concentrate on the things we all have in common, they tend to appeal to everyone, regardless of their individual beliefs. If your granny is a church goer, she might be a bit bemused (or even concerned) about what a humanist ceremony involves, but you can reassure her that she'll probably love it! People who haven't been to one of our ceremonies before don't always 'get it' beforehand - but I can almost guarantee that they will 'get it' afterwards. Even people with strong religious beliefs have often remarked afterwards on how much they enjoyed the ceremony. I should stress that there is NEVER anything anti-religious in our ceremonies - they are simply non-religious!

At the end of the day, your humanist wedding ceremony will be distinctive because you are distinctive!

How can we incorporate candle lighting into our ceremony?

The lighting of candles is a lovely symbolic gesture to include in your ceremony. I usually suggest that you each light a candle near the start of the ceremony (to symbolise your separate lives before your marriage) and then light a third one after you have exchanged your vows and rings (to symbolise the joining together of your lives in marriage). The 'marriage' candle is lit by each of you taking a flame from each of the first two candles and lighting the third one together. This makes a nice photograph as you can see in this picture of Margaret and Jay during their wedding at the historic Alloa Tower

I suggest that you buy your own candles (it's nice to have them to light on your anniversary for years to come!) and when you go shopping, the things to bear in mind are:

• It's nice if you have two candles that are the same and one that is different - in colour, size, shape or design
• You need holders or stands for your candles

• You need to arrange or ask the venue to arrange a table for them to be placed on during the ceremony and it's nice to provide some decoration - a nice cloth, some flowers etc..
• You don't need to worry about where to get a flame from and we won't be asking anyone for a cigarette lighter during the ceremony! I'll supply the tapers (as shown in the Alloa Tower picture above) and I'll have a tea light burning throughout the ceremony

Florists can sometimes incorporate candles into flower arrangements for weddings, as shown in these lovely examples:

One thing to bear in mind with candles is the hazard of having naked flame:

• If you have a veil, keep well away from the candles!
• Keep any children amongst your guests well away from them too!
  
• Some candle wicks smoke badly when they're blown out, so watch out for smoke alarms being set off! Some hotels ban the lighting of candles anyway, so double check with your venue beforehand.
• If you're outdoors, candles can of course blow out easily (the ones in the picture above surprisingly stayed alight for the whole ceremony, but it was in the roofless but reasonably sheltered Hall at Castle Campbell). Think about having garden candles, oil burning candles or storm lanterns or something similar to protect the flame. The ones in this vase for example stayed lit during the whole ceremony and it was quite breezy!

Candles can be used to wonderful effect to decorate your venue too - as in these examples from Doune Castle

How do we choose readings?

There is such a vast array of lovely wedding poetry out there that you may find yourselves spoiled for choice! Alternatively, you might find yourselves having to wade through huge quantities of unsuitable stuff (some religious, some cheesy, some just badly written) on the internet. There are some very nice wedding poetry books on the market though and I particularly like, 'Handfast', which is a book of Scottish poetry for weddings (published by the Scottish Poetry Library in 2004) and 'Heartsongs' by Pinky Agnew (published by Rider, 2006). The Humanist Society also have a huge collection of lovely non-religious poetry and readings and when I meet with couples to discuss the wedding ceremony, I always give them a copy of the collection so that they can choose something themselves. I would usually include 2 or 3 readings in a ceremony, but it's fine to have more or less than that - the most important thing is to find poems you like and that express your thoughts and feelings about each other and about your wedding day.

Of course you also need to consider carefully who is going to read for you. I quite often read all of the poetry and am very happy to do so - but many couples like to involve friends or a members of the family by asking them to read a poem during the ceremony.


It's an important thing to ask someone to do for you and there are a few things to consider:

• Choose someone you know won't feel too nervous on the day, someone who feels comfortable with public speaking.
• Choose someone who you feel will do the poem justice, who will read it well for you.
• Give them plenty of notice and send them a copy of what you'd like them to read. You could alternatively ask them to choose something for you and as well as being a really nice way of adding an element of surprise to the ceremony, this can also be very moving too.
  
• Ask the reader to contact the Celebrant before the ceremony to discuss where and when the reading will be placed and where they should stand etc..
  

If you have children (either your own or in your wider circle of friends or family) and would like to involve them in the ceremony, why not get them to do a reading for you? If you choose the reading carefully and the child is confident, it can add something very special to the ceremony. In fact, they will probably steal the show with the 'cute factor'! This is Hanni reading a poem for her mum and 'poppy' (as she calls her step dad) at their recent wedding at Inchcailloch Island on Loch Lomond:


One of my all time favourite poems was read at a wedding this week, Christine de Luca's 'Journey' which is published in the Scottish Poetry Library book, 'Handfast':

Today you see far down a mountainside,

out over islands to your far horizon.

Your sight is sharp, your goal clear, and tides

of love lap round all your desiring.

Two sets of footprints you will make, but true

companions on this journey you’ll become.

When you slip out of step, think of today;

relive again its close embrace of freedom.

May truest feelings stir you as the wind

disturbs the loch, or smirr on cotton grass.

May you find bliss in ordinariness

and joy forever in its present tense.

(Reproduced with the kind permission of the author)

And here are the lovely Nicola and Simon, who chose this stunning reading, beginning their journey after their wedding at Glenskirlie Castle

Another idea to consider with readings is to have something that all your guests read together. This especially suits well wishings (or 'blessings' for want of a better word) at the end of your ceremony. The reading needs to be fairly short and sweet and you can either print the words in an Order of Ceremony or have it done in a 'repeat after me' format (i.e. the Celebrant reads a line and everyone repeats it). This is one of my personal favourites and it's by an unknown author:

May your home be a place of happiness for all who enter it;

a place where the old and young are renewed in each other’s company,

a place for growing and a place for sharing,

a place for music, a place for laughter and a place for love.........

Should we risk an outdoor wedding?

An outdoor wedding always carries a risk - what do you do if the weather is bad? You might be lucky and get a day like this at Shieldaig Lodge in Gairloch a few years ago:

On the other hand, you could get this instead (this was Monica and Andy's wedding at Glen Finglas last summer):


Or even this at Leckmelm Gardens near Ullapool in March 2006 (for Sarah and Scot). This one brought a whole new meaning to the expression 'white wedding'!


A lot of people want to get married outdoors though and there are various things to consider:

• Have a good contingency plan - a nice indoor space that could be used for the ceremony if the weather is really bad
  
• If you're still keen to have the ceremony outside, consider a more sheltered spot, under some trees perhaps
• You could just go for it regardless - and warn your guests to bring their waterproofs, brollies, sensible shoes and thermals!
• You could delay the ceremony slightly in case the weather improves - this might be possible if your guests and your Celebrant are willing

Whatever you do, warn the Registrar that the location may be subject to a last minute change and ask their advice. It is vital that the wedding takes place on the date and in the location shown on the Marriage Schedule. It's also important to ensure that the Schedule doesn't get wet or damaged in any way, so ensure that it's properly protected if you're outside.

Even this week when it was really cold and windy, I conducted an outdoor wedding for Paul and Karen on the stunningly beautiful Inchcailloch Island on Loch Lomond. This was the lovely wedding party on the summit (what a view!), but it was much too windy to conduct the ceremony there, so we retreated to the more sheltered beach on the other side of the island. And we managed to conduct the ceremony just before the first day trippers arrived with their picnics and BBQ stuff! It was a lovely wedding - relaxed and intimate, with only their friends (who acted as witnesses), their little girls, me and the photographers (Willie and Cara McGlaughlin) present.

What if I get emotional on the day?

No worries! Feeling emotional on your wedding day is natural and I’ll always have tissues at the ready! So far my record is a five hankie wedding by the way! They were all for the bride on that occasion, but actually, it’s often the grooms who go first – so be warned guys! This is Steve ( getting emotional) and Julie at their wedding at the Fortingall Hotel in Perthshire:

This is Joanne and Russell after their recent wedding at the Roman Camp Hotel and although they look relaxed here, they were both quite emotional during the ceremony too.



Don't they both look splendid in red though? And check that sporran out! Just in case you want a close up, here it is in all it's glory:

As you can imagine, this attracted quite a few funny (and naughty) comments on the day and in fact, the ceremony was full of fun and laughter! The photos for this wedding were taken by Tom and Donna Collins at Stylish Images and the DVD was by Grahams Digital Productions

The following video clip, courtesy of Graham, will give you a feel for the way in which weddings can be both fun and emotional at the same time. By the way, I should point out that the quality of the clip has been significantly reduced to upload it to this blog and that the original is of superbly high definition!




Crying apart, couples often get worried about getting a fit of the giggles during the ceremony. Lots of people giggle when they’re nervous, but you’ll find a humanist ceremony much more relaxed than being in church and if you feel like laughing, that’s great! I think it’s important to inject a bit of humour into a wedding ceremony – it’s all about having fun! The ceremony shouldn’t be an ordeal, it should be a really enjoyable part of the day - for you and your guests! This is Phyllis and William at their 2003 wedding in Callander having a good laugh and for me, this photo really sums up the joy of what was a very relaxed and enjoyable occasion:

How do we choose a venue?

Many couple choosing a humanist ceremony decide to have the whole day (ceremony and reception) in one place and this has lots of practical advantages (not having to move your guests from A to B being a big one!) Because humanist ceremonies are non-religious (I should stress here that they are never anti religious!) a church building isn't usually an option. But there are so many other places to choose from - hotels, historic buildings, stately homes, National Trust properties or Historic Scotland properties etc.... Not to mention many lovely outdoor places - in fact, you have the whole of Scotland at your disposal and don't forget that an authorised Humanist Celebrant can conduct a legal marriage anywhere (yes, anywhere!) in Scotland without the need for a civil licence!

Choosing the right venue is as much about the right 'feel' of the place as it is about the practicalities (size, location, cost and so on). One of my personal favourites is the Roman Camp Hotel in Callander.


Shona, the wedding planner there, is so friendly and helpful - she'll look after you really well and as well as being stunning, the hotel has a wonderfully warm and relaxed atmosphere - you have to visit to see what I mean. The food is superb too by the way and the canapés are the best for miles around! Weddings are conducted various parts of the hotel, including the lovely old library:


It also has a tiny chapel off it where the Marriage Schedule can be signed:



There are other rooms within the hotel that can be used for wedding ceremonies and the grounds are beautiful, so an outdoor wedding down at the river is another option in good weather:


This is the recent wedding of Mike and Kirsty and we were lucky that the rain stayed off and we were able to hold the ceremony by the river where it's lovely and peaceful. The hotel staff put out wooden benches for the family and the wedding party to sit down and everyone else gathered around informally. The stone table makes an ideal place for the signing of the Marriage Schedule. This was a great wedding and Mike and Kirsty made sure that it was full of fun and laughter!


Another cracking venue is Solsgirth House by Dollar.


Bernie and Denise who own and run the house are lovely and will make you feel very much at home. Once again, they can accommodate weddings both indoors and outdoors. Inside, there is a small 'chapel' with a nice peaceful feel to it:




And outside, there's a lovely terraced area that is perfect for ceremonies when the weather is good:




Glenskirlie Castle at Banknock is another very popular local venue. They do weddings both in the main house , which is very nice and in the castle, which opened in 2007. Of course, the food at Glenskirlie is fantastic and it has a superb restaurant. The castle, although modern, certainly has the wow factor, both inside and out:


This is the room they use for wedding ceremonies at the castle and with the big stained glass window to the side, it has a lovely feel to it.


If the weather is good, the terraced patio area at the back could also be used and they often serve drinks out there after the ceremony too:

Julie is the Wedding Coordinator at Glenskirlie and she'll make sure that everything is organised behind the scenes so that all you have to do is enjoy your special day!

How do we set the room out?

Most couples like to have a central aisle, as in these pictures of two different room layouts in the billiard room at Gean House in Alloa:

If you don’t want the room to look quite as formal though, you could arrange the seats in an arc and still retain the aisle, such as here in the grounds at the Dunkeld House Hotel

If you don't want to have an aisle, you don't need to have one of course and there is a nice inclusive feeling for your guests when the seats are arranged in a circle or horseshoe shape as at Castle Campbell here:

Even just having the seats at an angle rather than in straight rows can add to the feeling of inclusivity, as shown below in this picture of One Devonshire Gardens in Glasgow (or the Hotel du Vin as it is now known).

How do we stand?

It's important to think about how and where to stand during the ceremony. I often stand in the middle